Lo he notado. It's just painful to write. Painful to acknowledge que si tu no tienes madre, yo no sé ser madre.
¿Por qué siento que la decisión se resume en be great or be happy? ¿Por qué son mutuamente excluyentes? He makes me happy, he makes me feel safe, the little bubble he wants to create with his family, I want to be a part of that, I could belong there and feel safe and feel warm.
But there's a part of me that nags, and prods, and demands.
F said, "I can't imagine you as anyone else but the girl who wanted to do big things and demanded that I do the same."
Demanding K.
Perhaps he needs that, a demanding K in his life, to make him get out of his shell. Perhaps he does not want that. He wants calmer K, a K that's at least trying to settle down and calm down and be happy. A K that's not always asking for more, and more, and more.
My head, it knows, it knows that more and more and more does not make you happy, does not provide peace. It has learned that from watching others. But then.... can you? Ask a firefly to not fall in love with the light. Ask a leaf to not obsess with the ground. Ask a cloud to not burst into tears.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
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