If you know me (and if you are reading this, you must) you also know that I rule my life by two simple axioms: be happy and be decent. The rest, as Hillel de Elder said "is the explanation; go and learn."Of course, if God is in the rain, the devil is on the details. The explanation can take many forms, and one of them for me is quite simple: I have an ethical responsability over other people's happiness. Of course, that responsability is always conditionated by diferent factors which include the will of the person to be happy, your means to accomplish something, and the way that a gesture in regards to such responsability is to be received. Learning implies many tries, many mistakes, many welcomed and unwelcomed gestures; but once you master the fine art of putting a smile in somebody else's face (even if you are not there to see it) you'll realize what it means to be happy and decent at the same time. You'll realize that, the symphony of all things that sorround you, cannot be in harmony if one of its constituents is not properly tuned... you'll realize that your happyness is dependant on the happyness of those that you love, and that absolute happyness is possible.
That's the theory... and as usual, the theory is challenged by sad little pieces of reality. The first one had the shape of KM., who lives somewhere in the middle east and became a significant part of my life in 2006, sadly enough we haven't seen each other since, but we try to keep in touch. She is young, and has not learned the basic formula of: if you ain't happy there, move on. Of course, that is something that I can't teach her, she needs to realize it herself, but after two years is not happening. Long story short, I found myself planning a trip to the middle-east (or a closer point where we can both travel and meet), just because she asked. She left for a party (the time difference allowed for this to happen while I was still checking for different travelling option). She came back from the party, not in her best shape I must say, and we kept talking. It then became evident that seeing me was simply gonna be an excuse to get out, a temporary solution to a bigger problem, if you want to put it that way, a placebo for learning to live. I'm still not sure whether I should go visit her or not. It seemed pointless now, just me spending money on manking her smile for a couple of days, so then she goes back to the routine of wishing that everything wasn't like it is.
A couple of hours after that I learned why DB has not talked to me since I returned to this city... she did not pass the bar exam. That's not my fault, as it is not my fault that apparently I "have nothing in common with a girl who only has 12 dollars in her bank account" (as she put it). She seems to think that her failure to pass an exam and my 'undeserved' success have made our friendship impossible. There is little I can do to convince her that it is not the case, that she has my full support and that I would help her in whatever she needs... she only says she doesn't need pitty from me... I hate pride.
The last hit came in the form of an email that arrived in the middle of the night from somebody too important to be mentioned here. I will admit here, and nowhere else, that it kept me awake for hours... wondering if and what did I do wrong... did I give a bad advice? did I kept my mouth shut because I did not wanted to loose that friendship? did I failed at showing this person how is a human being when he really cares? did I failed at showing this person how is a human being when he doesn't care? I was expresively asked by another friend to take care of that person, and that email was the most clear evidence that I miserably failed at doing something very simple: make this person understand how much is worth.
Next day I came to the office, simply to find the cartoon above. I just couldn't work at all. Did I miss something very basic about human nature? I went trough a whole process of revising all I've done in the last years... was I really making a difference to them? or I was convinving myself that I was making them happy just because they had a smile on their face?
~~ o ~~
Today, around noon, I received an email from that person, the one that wrote the email in the middle of the night. I tried a last gesture, a very simple thing: I just said 'you never walk alone'. She sounded happy. Sadly, I can't make this person forget, I can't make this person find a better object for her affection, and I can't show this person that all it takes is a simple decision in order to be happy today... fuck october, that's just too fucking long. But I can remind this person that, regardless where both of us are, we'll be walking thogether 'till the last of my days.
I can't make DB pass the exam, I can't make KM look elsewhere for her future, I can't return another good friend to her beloved city and her beloved friends, and I can't make you be contempt with what you have, my dear interlocutor... same with many other people in my life: I simply can't be the reason of their happyness. But I can remind them that they never walk alone... then they smile, and for a second they are happy... and then I am happy.
Remeber
Was it May or November?
Here or there?
Was it a monday?
All I can remember is a huge wall
But we where together
And together we managed to cross it
Shall I revise the theory?
Nahh... just fuck that cartoon.
I can and I will take responsibility for someone else's happyness.
