Lo he notado. It's just painful to write. Painful to acknowledge que si tu no tienes madre, yo no sé ser madre.
¿Por qué siento que la decisión se resume en be great or be happy? ¿Por qué son mutuamente excluyentes? He makes me happy, he makes me feel safe, the little bubble he wants to create with his family, I want to be a part of that, I could belong there and feel safe and feel warm.
But there's a part of me that nags, and prods, and demands.
F said, "I can't imagine you as anyone else but the girl who wanted to do big things and demanded that I do the same."
Demanding K.
Perhaps he needs that, a demanding K in his life, to make him get out of his shell. Perhaps he does not want that. He wants calmer K, a K that's at least trying to settle down and calm down and be happy. A K that's not always asking for more, and more, and more.
My head, it knows, it knows that more and more and more does not make you happy, does not provide peace. It has learned that from watching others. But then.... can you? Ask a firefly to not fall in love with the light. Ask a leaf to not obsess with the ground. Ask a cloud to not burst into tears.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Thursday, January 15, 2009
and then... there was no date
The excuse is that the wheather is awfull... which is true, but still feels like an excuse.
She wants to re-schedule for a less grumpy day. I'm quite sure days here don't get un-grumpy until March.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Bad CiFs, bad!
(because of emotional honesty, this post will be written in Spanish)
Yo no tengo madre... I mean... si tengo, pero actuo como si no tuviera ni madre, ni amigas, ni gente que me importa en el genero femenino... luego, no tengo madre
Las cosas de este tipo siempre empiezan disque inocente: yo en MSN esperando que alguien como K. o M. se aparecieran, cuando se aparece una tipa X, amiga de un amigo que me presentaron hace ya un par de meses y que randomcisimamente obtuvo mi MSN. El asunto es, yo se que la tipa X me miro buco en una fiesta, y que si me busco en msn, obvio que sal quiere este huevo. Si no fuera porque yo siempre me voy temprano de las fiestas y porque realmente la tipa no me gusta, a lo mejor pasa algo en la fiesta.
Volvamos a hoy: yo chateando con la tipa y el flirteo inocente, cuando la conversacion se torna... rara... una cosa lleva a la otra y estamos hablando de que los dos estamos solteros y no hemos tenido pareja en lo absoluto en largo tiempo. Next thing I know, la tipa esta en mi apartamento. Next thing I know, la tipa esta en mi cama. Next thing I know... que no tengo madre.
Una hora alli y despues disque... mmm... y yo que iba a decir? pues nada, asi que ella dijo que se tenia que ir...
Y me jode conmigo mismo porque siento que me estoy aprovechando de una tipa que me tripea y que es de mi tamano pero pesa el doble que yo, y que por ende se mete a slut porque cree que esa es la unica forma de conseguirse a un tipo. Digo, yo dentro de la hijueputada bien claro que solo para ya y eso es todo, ademas ella tiene sus 30 anos bien merecidos. Pero igual... yo no quisiera ver a ninguna de mis amigas llegar al limite de irse a la casa de un tipo random en medio del dia a eso y despues irse a la suya... que focop... yo no tengo madre.
Yo no tengo madre... I mean... si tengo, pero actuo como si no tuviera ni madre, ni amigas, ni gente que me importa en el genero femenino... luego, no tengo madre
Las cosas de este tipo siempre empiezan disque inocente: yo en MSN esperando que alguien como K. o M. se aparecieran, cuando se aparece una tipa X, amiga de un amigo que me presentaron hace ya un par de meses y que randomcisimamente obtuvo mi MSN. El asunto es, yo se que la tipa X me miro buco en una fiesta, y que si me busco en msn, obvio que sal quiere este huevo. Si no fuera porque yo siempre me voy temprano de las fiestas y porque realmente la tipa no me gusta, a lo mejor pasa algo en la fiesta.
Volvamos a hoy: yo chateando con la tipa y el flirteo inocente, cuando la conversacion se torna... rara... una cosa lleva a la otra y estamos hablando de que los dos estamos solteros y no hemos tenido pareja en lo absoluto en largo tiempo. Next thing I know, la tipa esta en mi apartamento. Next thing I know, la tipa esta en mi cama. Next thing I know... que no tengo madre.
Una hora alli y despues disque... mmm... y yo que iba a decir? pues nada, asi que ella dijo que se tenia que ir...
Y me jode conmigo mismo porque siento que me estoy aprovechando de una tipa que me tripea y que es de mi tamano pero pesa el doble que yo, y que por ende se mete a slut porque cree que esa es la unica forma de conseguirse a un tipo. Digo, yo dentro de la hijueputada bien claro que solo para ya y eso es todo, ademas ella tiene sus 30 anos bien merecidos. Pero igual... yo no quisiera ver a ninguna de mis amigas llegar al limite de irse a la casa de un tipo random en medio del dia a eso y despues irse a la suya... que focop... yo no tengo madre.
Saturday, January 10, 2009
"I never saw change without a fire"
The title of the post has little to do with the meaning of the song. The phrase stands by itself and it's a reflection of the things that have been happening lately. Lets enumerate them:
1. Se. finally moved in completely a couple of days ago, and the apt. already looks like it's a completely different place. K. always says I need a women's touch in my life (mostly refering to her touch), but the kind of turn-around that Se. is bringing to my life is kinda good. I won't compare living with her to living with S., both have a value on itself. But I will say I now understand I needed somebody like Se. in my life.
2. I called DB on the phone today. Why would this be fire? Well, you all know I don't date (not for now at least), and calling a women I have a romantic interest on just for the sake of it does not cope well with the no-dating policy. I must say, it was less weird than I thought and I quite enjoyed the conversation, which by the way, went well for 30 minutes of so... until Se. spoke and DB got weird. Lets see what happens on Thursday.
3. As I said in the previous post, I'll move away of this city for 6 months. Don't know when yet, but I'm out of here by the end of the month. Something you don't know is that since 2004 the most continous time I've live in a city is the year and four months I've been in this one so far. Lets hope everything goes well in the new one, where I apparently will live with Vic. More on that later.
4. After a couple of months of relative depression because of lack of projects, two huge things appear for me at the Centre. Don't know yet what's gonna happen because I don't know my new employer's rules on thatl. Lets hope I can take both oportunities.
1. Se. finally moved in completely a couple of days ago, and the apt. already looks like it's a completely different place. K. always says I need a women's touch in my life (mostly refering to her touch), but the kind of turn-around that Se. is bringing to my life is kinda good. I won't compare living with her to living with S., both have a value on itself. But I will say I now understand I needed somebody like Se. in my life.
2. I called DB on the phone today. Why would this be fire? Well, you all know I don't date (not for now at least), and calling a women I have a romantic interest on just for the sake of it does not cope well with the no-dating policy. I must say, it was less weird than I thought and I quite enjoyed the conversation, which by the way, went well for 30 minutes of so... until Se. spoke and DB got weird. Lets see what happens on Thursday.
3. As I said in the previous post, I'll move away of this city for 6 months. Don't know when yet, but I'm out of here by the end of the month. Something you don't know is that since 2004 the most continous time I've live in a city is the year and four months I've been in this one so far. Lets hope everything goes well in the new one, where I apparently will live with Vic. More on that later.
4. After a couple of months of relative depression because of lack of projects, two huge things appear for me at the Centre. Don't know yet what's gonna happen because I don't know my new employer's rules on thatl. Lets hope I can take both oportunities.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
We have a son!
According to 'Uncyclopedia' ("an encyclopedia full of misinformation and utter lies"), Jesus Marx is "what happens when Lenin finds Jesus' DNA and mixes it with the remains of Karl Marx's DNA."
:P
Here a picture of baby Jesus Marx.
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