Do I wanna go?

Ok... BIG dilema: mi amiga KM me acaba de invitar a ir a NYC. Ella ha viajado desde medio oriente y estara alla por un par de dias. No se si quiero ir. Digo, si quisiera verla, pero no se si espero mas del viaje de lo que deberia. Estoy 100% que es un gasto innecesario de dinero, lo que no quiero es estar sentado a media noche en la estacion de buses de Albany el proximo domingo y decir "this was a huge wate of time"...
Que hago?

Borrado

Borre todos los otros blogs. Yey for me. Regresaré a la esencia, la pluma y el papel, y a la teoría, el verso y el cuento.

Sé que volveras / lo que no sé es cuando será / que sea pronto / regresa pronto

Ahora me siento identificada con canciones de reggaeton o plena? Estamos mal. Y nos importa un pepino que estemos mal. Lo que sea, menos escribirle. Yo voy a sobrevivir una semana sin hablarle y sin buscarlo y sin decir hola / como estas / que haces. Y no porque nadie me haya mandado a hacerlo, y no porque a todos les parezca que es lo mejor, o porque alguien opine x, y o z, porque al final del día, me importa tres pepinos lo que todos los demás opinen, nadie sabe como esto me hacía sentir, o cuánto hubiera sacrificado por que esto funcionara.

Tal vez esta sea la mas importante lección del fin de esta relación. No me importa lo que opinen los demás, me importa como me siento yo y cómo me siento yo... y yo solita, mi gut, mi estomago, mi instinto, me dijo que this wasn't good idea cuando sus dudas comenzaron a nublar mi visión del presente y del futuro.

Se puede pelear y luchar contra todo, menos contra el otro.

Are you old enough to drink in this country?

Today, the new Professor in charge of a project in working for at the Centre came to meet me. Although I’ve been in the Centre longer than her, she doesn’t know me, and that’s why she came to meet me at my office.

It’s always fun to see the disappointment on their faces. At least she said “oh, I think I’ve seen you around”

Other people's happiness

If you know me (and if you are reading this, you must) you also know that I rule my life by two simple axioms: be happy and be decent. The rest, as Hillel de Elder said "is the explanation; go and learn."

Of course, if God is in the rain, the devil is on the details. The explanation can take many forms, and one of them for me is quite simple: I have an ethical responsability over other people's happiness. Of course, that responsability is always conditionated by diferent factors which include the will of the person to be happy, your means to accomplish something, and the way that a gesture in regards to such responsability is to be received. Learning implies many tries, many mistakes, many welcomed and unwelcomed gestures; but once you master the fine art of putting a smile in somebody else's face (even if you are not there to see it) you'll realize what it means to be happy and decent at the same time. You'll realize that, the symphony of all things that sorround you, cannot be in harmony if one of its constituents is not properly tuned... you'll realize that your happyness is dependant on the happyness of those that you love, and that absolute happyness is possible.

That's the theory... and as usual, the theory is challenged by sad little pieces of reality. The first one had the shape of KM., who lives somewhere in the middle east and became a significant part of my life in 2006, sadly enough we haven't seen each other since, but we try to keep in touch. She is young, and has not learned the basic formula of: if you ain't happy there, move on. Of course, that is something that I can't teach her, she needs to realize it herself, but after two years is not happening. Long story short, I found myself planning a trip to the middle-east (or a closer point where we can both travel and meet), just because she asked. She left for a party (the time difference allowed for this to happen while I was still checking for different travelling option). She came back from the party, not in her best shape I must say, and we kept talking. It then became evident that seeing me was simply gonna be an excuse to get out, a temporary solution to a bigger problem, if you want to put it that way, a placebo for learning to live. I'm still not sure whether I should go visit her or not. It seemed pointless now, just me spending money on manking her smile for a couple of days, so then she goes back to the routine of wishing that everything wasn't like it is.

A couple of hours after that I learned why DB has not talked to me since I returned to this city... she did not pass the bar exam. That's not my fault, as it is not my fault that apparently I "have nothing in common with a girl who only has 12 dollars in her bank account" (as she put it). She seems to think that her failure to pass an exam and my 'undeserved' success have made our friendship impossible. There is little I can do to convince her that it is not the case, that she has my full support and that I would help her in whatever she needs... she only says she doesn't need pitty from me... I hate pride.

The last hit came in the form of an email that arrived in the middle of the night from somebody too important to be mentioned here. I will admit here, and nowhere else, that it kept me awake for hours... wondering if and what did I do wrong... did I give a bad advice? did I kept my mouth shut because I did not wanted to loose that friendship? did I failed at showing this person how is a human being when he really cares? did I failed at showing this person how is a human being when he doesn't care? I was expresively asked by another friend to take care of that person, and that email was the most clear evidence that I miserably failed at doing something very simple: make this person understand how much is worth.

Next day I came to the office, simply to find the cartoon above. I just couldn't work at all. Did I miss something very basic about human nature? I went trough a whole process of revising all I've done in the last years... was I really making a difference to them? or I was convinving myself that I was making them happy just because they had a smile on their face?

~~ o ~~

Today, around noon, I received an email from that person, the one that wrote the email in the middle of the night. I tried a last gesture, a very simple thing: I just said 'you never walk alone'. She sounded happy. Sadly, I can't make this person forget, I can't make this person find a better object for her affection, and I can't show this person that all it takes is a simple decision in order to be happy today... fuck october, that's just too fucking long. But I can remind this person that, regardless where both of us are, we'll be walking thogether 'till the last of my days.

I can't make DB pass the exam, I can't make KM look elsewhere for her future, I can't return another good friend to her beloved city and her beloved friends, and I can't make you be contempt with what you have, my dear interlocutor... same with many other people in my life: I simply can't be the reason of their happyness. But I can remind them that they never walk alone... then they smile, and for a second they are happy... and then I am happy.

Remeber
Was it May or November?
Here or there?
Was it a monday?
All I can remember is a huge wall
But we where together
And together we managed to cross it

Shall I revise the theory?
Nahh... just fuck that cartoon.
I can and I will take responsibility for someone else's happyness.

I'm back...

The shining star
You are my shining star, girl
Yo, New York in the house
Is Brooklyn in the house
Uptown in the house
Charlotte are ya in da house
Boogie Down are you in the house
Sacramento in the house
Atlanta, Georgia are you in the house
West Coast are you in the house
[PTY] are you in da house
Everybody are you in the house
Baby, baby c'mon, baby c'mon, baby c'mon

(...)

Ladies and gentlemen
Introducing the Old Dirty [CiFs]
Here we go now raise the roof
Me and [K.] go back like babies with pacifiers

Ok, I'm back... old town, old habits (both good and bad), but new attitude...
Let the blogging begin!!!

Whatcha gonna do when you get outta jail
I'm gonna have some fun

The things we know we know

I know that I will be okay.
I know that this too shall pass.
I know that this is the right decision.
I know that I want to go see him.
I know that it will not make any difference in the grand scheme of things.
I know I am being obsessive.
I know I need to learn to control it.
I know I want medication.
I know that it's a short.
I know that I am sad.
I know that I am trying to rationalize it away.
I know most people have no patience for this.
I know everyone who knows me confirms that I'm not delusional or overreacting.
I know I am afraid I am making a mistake.
I know I want to call him.
I know God does not want me to call him.
I know that thinking about God's intentions confirms me delusional.
I know that writing a big list of know's makes me an overreacter.

Lo he notado

Lo he notado. It's just painful to write. Painful to acknowledge que si tu no tienes madre, yo no sé ser madre.

¿Por qué siento que la decisión se resume en be great or be happy? ¿Por qué son mutuamente excluyentes? He makes me happy, he makes me feel safe, the little bubble he wants to create with his family, I want to be a part of that, I could belong there and feel safe and feel warm.

But there's a part of me that nags, and prods, and demands.

F said, "I can't imagine you as anyone else but the girl who wanted to do big things and demanded that I do the same."

Demanding K.

Perhaps he needs that, a demanding K in his life, to make him get out of his shell. Perhaps he does not want that. He wants calmer K, a K that's at least trying to settle down and calm down and be happy. A K that's not always asking for more, and more, and more.

My head, it knows, it knows that more and more and more does not make you happy, does not provide peace. It has learned that from watching others. But then.... can you? Ask a firefly to not fall in love with the light. Ask a leaf to not obsess with the ground. Ask a cloud to not burst into tears.

Por si no lo habias notado...

...estoy en huelga hasta que escribas.

and then... there was no date

The excuse is that the wheather is awfull... which is true, but still feels like an excuse.

She wants to re-schedule for a less grumpy day. I'm quite sure days here don't get un-grumpy until March. 

Bad CiFs, bad!

(because of emotional honesty, this post will be written in Spanish)
Yo no tengo madre... I mean... si tengo, pero actuo como si no tuviera ni madre, ni amigas, ni gente que me importa en el genero femenino... luego, no tengo madre
Las cosas de este tipo siempre empiezan disque inocente: yo en MSN esperando que alguien como K. o M. se aparecieran, cuando se aparece una tipa X, amiga de un amigo que me presentaron hace ya un par de meses y que randomcisimamente obtuvo mi MSN. El asunto es, yo se que la tipa X me miro buco en una fiesta, y que si me busco en msn, obvio que sal quiere este huevo. Si no fuera porque yo siempre me voy temprano de las fiestas y porque realmente la tipa no me gusta, a lo mejor pasa algo en la fiesta.
Volvamos a hoy: yo chateando con la tipa y el flirteo inocente, cuando la conversacion se torna... rara... una cosa lleva a la otra y estamos hablando de que los dos estamos solteros y no hemos tenido pareja en lo absoluto en largo tiempo. Next thing I know, la tipa esta en mi apartamento. Next thing I know, la tipa esta en mi cama. Next thing I know... que no tengo madre.
Una hora alli y despues disque... mmm... y yo que iba a decir? pues nada, asi que ella dijo que se tenia que ir...
Y me jode conmigo mismo porque siento que me estoy aprovechando de una tipa que me tripea y que es de mi tamano pero pesa el doble que yo, y que por ende se mete a slut porque cree que esa es la unica forma de conseguirse a un tipo. Digo, yo dentro de la hijueputada bien claro que solo para ya y eso es todo, ademas ella tiene sus 30 anos bien merecidos. Pero igual... yo no quisiera ver a ninguna de mis amigas llegar al limite de irse a la casa de un tipo random en medio del dia a eso y despues irse a la suya... que focop... yo no tengo madre.

"I never saw change without a fire"

The title of the post has little to do with the meaning of the song. The phrase stands by itself and it's a reflection of the things that have been happening lately. Lets enumerate them:
1. Se. finally moved in completely a couple of days ago, and the apt. already looks like it's a completely different place. K. always says I need a women's touch in my life (mostly refering to her touch), but the kind of turn-around that Se. is bringing to my life is kinda good. I won't compare living with her to living with S., both have a value on itself. But I will say I now understand I needed somebody like Se. in my life.
2. I called DB on the phone today. Why would this be fire? Well, you all know I don't date (not for now at least), and calling a women I have a romantic interest on just for the sake of it does not cope well with the no-dating policy. I must say, it was less weird than I thought and I quite enjoyed the conversation, which by the way, went well for 30 minutes of so... until Se. spoke and DB got weird. Lets see what happens on Thursday.
3. As I said in the previous post, I'll move away of this city for 6 months. Don't know when yet, but I'm out of here by the end of the month. Something you don't know is that since 2004 the most continous time I've live in a city is the year and four months I've been in this one so far. Lets hope everything goes well in the new one, where I apparently will live with Vic. More on that later.
4. After a couple of months of relative depression because of lack of projects, two huge things appear for me at the Centre. Don't know yet what's gonna happen because I don't know my new employer's rules on thatl. Lets hope I can take both oportunities.

On the concept of 'purpose'...

No es ejercicio si no lo haces!!!!

We have a son!

According to 'Uncyclopedia' ("an encyclopedia full of misinformation and utter lies"), Jesus Marx is "what happens when Lenin finds Jesus' DNA and mixes it with the remains of Karl Marx's DNA."
:P
Here a picture of baby Jesus Marx.

I'm out of here!

The CiFs is changing city again... Not for long though. I got a 6 month temporal post right where M. and V.C. live.
Lets see how that goes... not sure yet when I'm moving, but I did ask DB on a date... wish me luck!

Entiendes lo que quiero decir?

¿Me explico?
¿Entiendes lo que quiero decir?

La verdad no me explico y no me entiendes que quiero decir. A veces pienso (y no digo) que es porque conozco demasiadas palabras, que mucho explico y poco entienden. O, ¿será que poco entiendo y nada explican?

¿Será mucho? Digo, ¿pedir que me entiendan sin que me explique?

I'm the happiest man alive

Generally speaking, I'm a pretty satisfied BlackBerry user. My sole frustration was the limited options for customization. If you own a 8220, you know that you can change ringtones, the main screen's wallpaper, and the order of your icons in te home page. For anything beyond that, you'll need to download a theme. Now, a problem common to all BB users is that that free themes are usually crappy, and the cool ones cost up to $US 10, which btw you can't try before buying.

This is when my parent's education kicks in. A basic rule in my house is: if you are not getting what you want, it's simply because you are not trying hard enough. So, I started trying harder, and that usually means do-it-yourself.

I'll speare you the details and make this long story short, I found the software used to create themes! Before I had a boring black screen in the outside display... now I have a beautiful picture of the National Scottish Monument in Carlton Hill from my last try to Edinburgh. Before I had only four icons arranged horizontally in the home screen... now I have two columns of four vertically arranged icons. I changed the font of all text inside the phone, the image on the back on the menu and when I'm receiving a call, and some of the battery and signal status icons. Now the phone does feel like its mine :)

A little disclaimer about the image: instead of the black boxes wallpaper, I have a picture of the Marx brothers (I'm not talking about Groucho, Gummo, Zeppo, Chico and Harpo, instead it's a picture of The CiFs, with L.C. and M.A.), but for the sake of annonimity it has been replaced. The replacement image wasn't choosen randomly, the black boxes appear when I receive a call or an email. Also, I have the Facebook, BB Messenger and MSN Messenger icons on the left column! Maybe if the "historic trio" gathers again in NYC, I can put a pic of that in the outside display (the last time the trio gathered, all members felt too fat for pictures).

It's the small things (and the ones I do by myself) that make me happy!

"I'm Crazy" too... but in a cute way (I hope).

Back on December 31, 2006, a couple of minutes before the beginning of the new year, my brother M.A. asked: "any new year resolution?" I simply answered "keep winning." One year after that, over the phone, he asked the same and I answered the same. For those who doesn't know, it's a reference to Kirsten Dunst's conversation with Paul Bettany in the excessively corny, 2004 movie "Wimbledon." Seems kind of obvious to point out that when you are doing good and things are going just fine, you start to fear failure. Both those years were very good for me, and of course, "keep winning" was both a determination to keep working on this path and an invocation to the gods (or goddesses, not trying to discriminate here) of success so they keep helping me.

I'm glad this year I did not get a phone call from M.A. at midnight. First because he would have caught me: I was not in a party at my friends house as I said I was gonna. And second because if he would have asked the question, I would have probably answered "this year I'll try to get a life."

Even though I had a couple of invitations to events which ranged from wine and cake near the fireplace to a road trip to the mountains, I spent new year's eve à la Holden Caulfield (minus the prostitutes, of course). Yes... I walked around the city until around 4 p.m. when I got back to the apartment and simply sat there reading and chatting to K. on the BB. At 10:30 p.m. I went to bed, and that's how the new year caught me dreaming about only-god-knows-what.

2008 was twice as good as 2006 or 2007 together, but I also worked my ass off into alienation. Ironically enough, I ended up spending January 1st with the girl who suggested the wine and cake thing near the fireplace. I must say, she also spend the 31st by herself, since she didn't feel like going to a party after I declined her invitation. In the cifs-universe she is called DB, and we talked up until midnight about life, art, past relationships, current work dilemmas, our attitudes towards love, the geographic location of Moldova, and even christian fanatism. I beg you, don't read too much into this. I simply do not date, and she only hangs out with me this way because she knows she is safe with me (she said I'm the only person in this city that has walked her home without expecting a goodnight kiss).

What I realized that night is that despite we are both very crazy in very different ways, she would be very close to what I want in a women... but only if this was home.

Of course, as the clock was hitting 10:00 p.m. we talked about my self-imposed alienation, my need to keep moving, and how she was ready to call this city home. But even as I knew we both had spent a shitty new year's eve, I remained firm in the way I rationalize the human condition, in how floating is only possible because there is no anker, and how she should keep doing what we both have been doing since 2000: sailing from port to port leaving no victims behind. She, being slightly older than me, hasn't figured out the world either; but to me is pretty evident that she finds my attitutes kinda cute and slighly childish. 

"I knew what he was thinking: how young I was, how I didn’t know anything about the world and all, what happened to guys like me and all."

The bottomline is, the new year's resolution  remains the same: keep winning. If someone acuses me of not making any sense, like Holden I will call myself crazy before anybody else does. But you gotta admit, my insanity is also kinda cute.